Secure + Underdeveloped
I am grounded, but I struggle in my accessibility and responsiveness.
Relational Development Model™
A healthy relationship requires two kinds of development.
Relational Security +
Relational Maturity
Relational Security determines how safe and stable we feel in relationship. Relational Maturity determines how capable we are of showing up for another person.
HIGH RELATIONAL SECURITYFeels safe, stable, and grounded
LOW RELATIONAL SECURITYFeels uncertain, guarded, or unsafe
Low
Relational
MaturityLow skills and low
capacity to stay
connected
Relational
MaturityLow skills and low
capacity to stay
connected
High
Relational
MaturityFully developed
relational skills
and capacity
Relational
MaturityFully developed
relational skills
and capacity
Secure + Mature
I can remain myself while remaining deeply connected to you.
Insecure + Underdeveloped
I protect myself because the relationship feels threatening, and I have limited tools for navigating it.
Insecure + Mature
I am highly attuned to relationships, but connection can feel fragile or uncertain.
Relational Security
is what happens inside you.
Security influences how steady you remain when connection feels uncertain, when another person is disappointed in you, or when you fear rejection, abandonment, criticism, or loss.
GROUNDEDSECURECONFIDENTHOPEFULSTABLEOPEN
Relational Maturity
is what you are capable of giving.
Maturity determines whether you remain curious, accountable, empathic, vulnerable, receptive, and emotionally available when relationship becomes difficult.
EMPATHYVULNERABILITYACCOUNTABILITYCURIOSITYRECEPTIVITYDIFFERENTIATIONEMOTIONAL AVAILABILITYSELF-AWARENESS
You can feel secure
and still be difficult
to be married to.
You can be deeply
relational and still feel
profoundly insecure.
Healthy relationships
require both.
The Four Quadrants
Different patterns. Different needs. The same potential for growth.
High Security + High Maturity
You can remain emotionally grounded while also remaining responsive to another person’s experience. You are capable of connection without losing yourself—and differentiation without withdrawing from connection.
KEY BEHAVIORS →High Security + Lower Maturity
You may feel internally stable and independent, yet struggle with empathy, vulnerability, emotional availability, or sustained engagement when another person’s needs become uncomfortable.
KEY BEHAVIORS →Low Security + Low Maturity
When security is low and relational skills are limited, protection often becomes more important than connection.
KEY BEHAVIORS →Low Security + High Maturity
You often understand relationships deeply and work hard to preserve connection, yet your nervous system may experience distance, rejection, or disconnection as particularly threatening.
KEY BEHAVIORS →Development, not diagnosis.
This model does not tell you who you are. It shows you where growth is needed. People can operate differently across relationships, situations, and stages of life. Security can change. Maturity can grow. The goal is not to receive a label—it is to increase capacity.
RELATIONAL
SECURITYHow safe are you
as a partner?
+
SECURITYHow safe are you
as a partner?
RELATIONAL
MATURITYThe tools you can
access under
high emotions
=
MATURITYThe tools you can
access under
high emotions
RELATIONAL
DEVELOPMENTHealthier people.
Stronger relationships.
DEVELOPMENTHealthier people.
Stronger relationships.
Where do you fall?
Discover how Relational Security and Relational Maturity may be shaping the way you experience relationships.
Take the Relationship Assessment“Greater capacity creates greater possibility—in you, in your relationship, and in your life.”